...but I'm not altogether sure what. I'm treading a fine line here as I'm still floundering under the influence of emotional upheaval and pieces of a certain organ sort of scattered over the floor of my bedroom. I'll do my best to avoid an overzealous amount of moping and self-pity -  nobody really wants to read that. I can tell you that I really don't want to feel like writing that, because feeling that way usually indicates something soul crushing has recently occurred to drive you into a spiraling depression that ends in a pit of despair.

Am I laying it on too thick? Okay, suffice to say that due to religious differences (I am not) my relationship went belly up. I enter relationships very cautiously and usually not at all because I'm an excessively emotional person who tends to suffer lots of uncomfortable things when dealing with other people and wanting them to be happy. To date I've had two.

So I delved into that murky territory for the second time this past December and though he was 4 years younger than me I was willing to take that risk for the person in question. As we get older that difference is less and less pronounced, but at 20 I believe a person still has a lot to grow - I know I did.

I knew he was religious, but we didn't discuss it really. It didn't come up until two months later when I finally learned to what extent he believed. There are  many different branches of the religion and everybody has their own opinions. His were pretty much the polar opposite of things I commonly accept as valid theories and truths of the natural world.

Without going into detail, I thought long and hard about it before I determined that it didn't matter. This person meant a lot to me and I could talk to him about anything, including religion, so there was no reason that we couldn't make a go of it. Not when we were so happy...

I honestly never thought I'd be willing to work through something like this, but he convinced me of his sincerity in wanting to stick with it and I knew how I felt about him. A week later he'd done a 180 on me and said that it didn't feel the same anymore.

All of it feels wrong and strange. There's nothing quite like losing the one best friend that you have in the span of an hour. I miss the conversations. I miss a lot of things. For me the feelings were still there, but then it's very easy for me to become attached to people. I always believed that if two people could talk about things and be reasonable, you could work anything out.

This was particularly scathing as it was very unexpected. I was happy and willing to accept that part of him, however bizarre I think some aspects of his beliefs are. The point is those things didn't matter because I loved the person. I love people, not the groups they belong to or what they believe after we die. The here and the now is important to me and taking care of those people that matter. It's a hopeless feeling when you realize that wanting to do the best you can and be the best person you can be isn't enough.

The one thing that will stick with me probably forever is when he told me that I was good enough and that he wasn't because he was too close minded. I never want to hear those words again. It makes me want to cry.

So there is my life in a nutshell. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't care about anything and I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out again. There are things that I could do, but I feel so hopeless that I don't know what the point is anymore. I've gotten hardly anything done over the past two weeks since.

And this entry has gotten too big talking about nothing. I'm thinking of going back to school to study Astronomy, but I'd probably end up in debt for the rest of my life because I'm not smart enough to compete in that field and actually get a job. I love space though, which is why I was so avidly awaiting the third and final installment of the Mass Effect series. So to top off losing my best friend, my favorite game trilogy in the history of games ended on just about the worst note possible, thereby adding to my already spiraling depression. Thank you Mass Effect 3 for adding insult to injury.

Alright, I'm done here.